Why Grace?Why Me?

I was speaking with one of my brothers the other day and telling him How I was having trouble with something to write and say. For those who know me you may find that hard to believe. Anyway, he told me to stop thinking so much and just write. He looked at me in my eyes and said I need for you to write I felt as if the Spirit of God was speaking to me through him. Write and dont even look back at what you have written . I tussled with what to say and how to say it . I read the blogs of my other brothers and sisters and shied at the talent of their own writings and revelations. I was taunted within my own head of the songs that were to be written and ones never heard before. I had spoken so much on being retired that I had retired the words of the Holy Spirit in me. So with a repentant heart to My Father . Here Goes.....

I struggled with the thought that God would allow me to struggle once again in rejection , pain , loneliness and the like. I pit on a front in front of other while I would cry myself to sleep at night , walking around with knots in my belly pretending that if I just kept pushing all this would just go away. I became a master at hiding my own pains and disappointments so I thought and when they would begin to show through I would maintenance my walk a little better.

So much hurt , so much pride, not teachable or accountable to the level I should be. Wrestling with God on the most minor things within my mind and still not accepting the fact the He had chosen me and not me myself. WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ISOLATED OUT? WHY AM I NOT UNDERSTOOD? WHY DO I HAVE TO GIVE UP THIS, HAVENT I GIVEN UP ENOUGH? These types of questions and many more rang through my spirit or excuse me through my soul from time to time. And more often than none I had to sing my soul loves Jesus to believe that I did.

GOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You called me in to a ministry to minister deliverance, Ha what a joke the voice in the back of my mind would say. Your not even delivered. Your full of rejection , loneliness, anger, despair, murder , suicide, lust, envy, jealousy, rebellion. What are you doing? Are you Crazy? I wrestled with this for as long as until this past Sunday. Surprised or maybe not, me I no longer care whay may be thought of this. I put up these fronts long enough for the enemy to try to take my life and the lives of the ones around me that I hold dear.

This blog is for everyone that I ever took through a deliverance , for my children that need me , for my family. For lives that could have been destroyed. God had beckoned me and I came willingly and open , but as He pulled me closer the wounds and hurts of my past and condition of my heart began to show. I couldnt muster to think that this new found lover could or would voluntarily love me with all this trash in me. I was bitter , hurt and one more step from just ending it all.

"What Do You Do When You Dont Know What To Do" kept running through my head. My Spiritual Mother had spoken on that years ago , yet this time it was so fresh on my mind. I wanted it all to end ,I wanted that car to hit me or I fall asleep by myself in the car alone driving and go off into a peaceful death. I wanted the hurting to stop the pain to end. My mind had been pit against me and recycled many words from past days. I cant walk with these people my flaws may show. Not me, Woman of God of Power and Might. You kick the devils Butt , you Dont let people know hes been kicking yours. You dont let them know that you dont eat cause you see yourself twisted or that you eat to stop hurting or that you you dont have toilet paper or soap sometimes and that you thank God little packages and supplies that you got from gifts they come in handy to wash your kids. Thats not what Good mothers do let alone anointed vessels. You cant let them see that. You cant let that be see through you when you been delivered right. You interpret dreams and see, how come you dont see your way out of this? You take others through deliverance how come your still bound?

Voices ,the voices you cant tell them about the voices , you already dont fit in you already are weird. Just keep it to yourself it doesnt matter anyway. Your suppose to be that rock right Right, whenever you break down what will be said. Look at all these people that are connected to you how they struggle you know its because you minister to them, yeah they may excel , but I'm gonna help you find a place with me in Hell. Dont expose this then they wont call for your help anymore they will know that you cant handle it.

My heart was so full of these many deceptions that it pulled me several different directions except for loose. I couldnt believe what I was seeing clearly and yet didnt believe when God was speaking that things were distorted so I was coming to a road of being ineffective , because they were canceling each other out. I wanted more of God I wanted what He said But there was always this gnawing away at my insides. I loved God but Hated that He created me like this or at all and that was causing me to be spiritually bankrupt.

The enemy had a plan he set me up good I would get all this knowledge of A true and living God become effective in the Kingdom of God , destroy strongholds in the lives of others but have a place in hell to be tortured by the same demons that I had sent to dry places. He wanted to shame me good , and shame my Father. I wasnt in total submission to my authority not because I hated them , but having seeds of hating them from an ex spouse who was poisoned to hate them and any other spiritual authority when things werent going right. See I knew loyalty from being in a gang but I also knew Dog Eat Dog. So I could play it but also recognize it. I wanted no parts of it, but actions speak louder than words. I hurt people by not putting my whole life on the line. I was a stumbling block to some that they may never recover so Ipray for their souls. I talked on things that because of the stance of my heart I had little to know authority to speak on. Lets clarify you may have the knowledge , but it takes the agreement of God and His backing to have the authority and power to speak on such things in order to bring Deliverance. So I was walking in 2nd Timothy 3 and didnt even check to realize it. Anything we do and there is no power or results of Gods Power behind it we fall in this category. If you dont know read it yourselves. "Having a form of Godliness, but denying the power... . I wasnt purposely trying to destroy anyone, I just hated myself. The bible says that whats in a mans heart will come out and whatever a man thinks so is he. I didnt think on that all the way through, Satan is the father of hate and thus I had still some residue of his DNA. God had promises for me and even a person that I cared deeply for was affected and thus things were held up for them because the blinders came down and when we tapped in together a bit of poison was released and it was to kill and hinder him. I WAS NOW A WEAPON OF UNRIGHTEOUSNESS, and yet at the same time God was still moving in the mist of my errors. See I truly didnt want to be this way, and I was losing my mind slowly and everything I loved. I couldnt wrap My mind around the fact that God would reveal things to me and yet know the condition I was in. I had hurt people by being who I was yet NOT being who I was. My mind went into being performance oriented instead of Relationship Oriented, and I mean with PAPA. He longed for me , yet I felt so far from Him and still I was closer than I thought.

You may ask how than did deliverance take place for others or myself if I myself have taken you through a deliverance. Dont question the power of God . He does as He pleases and uses whom He pleases. He will build up a nation and tear another down. He's God. I hadnt nor can I fully wrap my mind Around what He has done and is doing. He used this to get my attention for He knew what he had placed within my heart in the BEFORE PLACE that the enemy did not know. So what the devil meant for bad God MY PAPA is making it GOOD! I wanted to truly apologize to the ones in whom have looked at me and were let down by flaws you may have seen and I didn't correct you and point you to the Creator and let you know that I am still very much a work in progress. Sorry to my Friend Antwon for not being a Woman of God of integrity and faith, for being a stumbling place in your growth, and for putting my wants at the time before what Papa wanted for you at the time. I put myself on front street that I never go this way again. Submit obey and put off the old man ,as He gives you new vision thats not blurred and that may not include me this time, but its OK thats the price we pay for our love for an awesome Father, To Sarah another prodigal thats running forgive me for not understanding when Ive been in similar places and not being strong enough to pull you up when I seem to have gotten out. You will Live and not Die!!!! Pastor ,sorry for the times of bucking against the grain , whether out loud or inside , in disobedience or half stepping . Without your prayers I would be in a Lower Place in Hell right now. You deserve all the honor and more that is due, and if you will allow me to be and come home for real I will. Words can never express my gratitur to you and those who have prayed for me and even the ones who pray about me, you have helped me to learn how tho weather storms and trust that I CAN FLY!

Please understand this is not the full story, I probably can write a book , but this is self deliverance for me to completly come out of the shadows of Satan and into the marvelous light of God, whom truly is my Saving Grace. What is Grace, Undeserved and unmerited favor From God. Why Me I dont know,Why Grace, Because HE IS....

LOVE YOU